i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
