Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
