Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
