You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
