We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
