Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
