A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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