I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
