My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
