Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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