I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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