Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
