I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
