Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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