so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
