I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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