He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dignity is for republicans.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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