I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
