i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
