6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
