she woke up with a sticky ear
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
BRING THE BAGELS
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
