he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
