You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
