i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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