Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize