I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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