if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
