Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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