so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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