Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
