Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
