why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
