if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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