I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
