i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
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