I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
