I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
