question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
