did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
