This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
