I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
