my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
