oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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