Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
