It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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