can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
As shirtless as possible
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
