It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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