Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
