be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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