If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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