I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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