I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize