Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
