Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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