Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
