hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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