i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
