She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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