i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it's not cheating when I paid for it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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