3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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