I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
