Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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